Reasons for Leaving
Do These Reasons Sound Familiar?
Til Death Do Us Part:
"But I love him/her/them!"
I'm sure that when you vowed "Til death do us part," you were not thinking of your death at your partner's hands. I felt that love would conquer all and since I loved him so much I could create a better life for our family. I could change him... But it takes two to tango! Which brings me to...
The Savior Complex:
"Who died and made me God?"
No one can help someone who does not wish to be helped. The only one we can change is ourselves.
"It is not really that bad. He has never hit me."
Verbal abuse can be as psychologically damaging as a beating. It is designed to wear down your self-esteem, to make you feel insignificant. Sometimes we even excuse physical violence and tell ourselves we were not being hit. Once my ex-husband picked me up off the floor with one hand, leaving a semi-circular bruise around my neck. That day I grabbed my son and ran to my next door neighbor's house both of us in our pajamas. I did not call the police. I justified it by telling myself he had just had an operation and was under the influence of the prescription drugs.
"If you were not such a loud mouth bitch, I would not go off so often!"
The abuser tells you it is your fault that they act the way they do.
"I was a social butterfly until I married my husband"
By the time I realized I was being abused, I was already isolated from my friends and family. Whom did I turn to for help? I called 911. I also called the local YWCA and they offered my son and I shelter. You must seek help! ABUSE THRIVES IN SILENCE.
"I can't help but feel sorry for him because he had a lousy childhood!"
Whatever the circumstances or upbringing, abusers are all extremely sick. When someone is that sick they need trained medical help. No one gets better unless they want to. As long as you are co-depending for any of them, they have no reason to seek intervention. It usually takes a major catastrophe to make them seek help. Co-dependents are sick also. Co-dependency is not a good state of being! Both illnesses are based on "control" issues. Get some help!
"Do not let the secret out."
"Oh my God, what is everyone going to think?"
"I do not want to be part of the divorce statistics."
Unless people are thinking about how to help you pay your mortgage, what do you care what they think? And if the person who pays your mortgage is your abusive partner, their opinion does not count because they are not of sound mind. We are so lucky we live in the present day. There is no stigma attached to seeking the help of a psychologist, at least not in the United States. Divorce may be the only way to save your family's life. Violence can escalate to where life itself can be lost to an advanced fit of rage. It happens with amazing frequency. So get some help for yourself and then decide what your next course of action should be. My suggestion is that you let the judgmental non-supportive so-called "friends" go. For every one you lose that makes you feel uncomfortable, you will gain a dozen that will love and encourage you.
"I do not want our children to grow up without their father."
Ask yourself... Do you want your children to grow up with a twisted father? The key words are "grow up!" Statistics show that most children who grow up witnessing abuse tend to normalize it, and more often than not, grow up to imitate it. When a victim starts to wake up and the abuser feels their gravy train is in jeopardy, they go after whatever the victim treasures. It could be the rare picture of Marilyn Monroe I had framed in my bedroom, or my child. Maybe the children won't get to grow up at all? Someone could die!
Fear of Suicide:
"I am going to kill myself if you leave me!"
When every attempt at controlling the victim fails, this a great way to keep them from departing. A caring person does not want to be responsible for another's death. Call 911. Don't be manipulated!
"It's my fault he hits me. I'm so clumsy."
Both abusers and abused usually suffer from low self-esteem.
"I'm so afraid to make a change."
Fear paralyzes. It takes away your ability to think rationally. It could be fear of money or just fear of the unknown. We have such low self-esteem that we fear we will never find anyone to love us. The abuser will use enough force to keep the victim apprehensive. Once we take the first step to regain our freedom, we are entering into uncharted territory. Panic tends to overtake us. This is where trust comes in. We have to learn to take deep breaths. We must trust in our ability to survive. We must believe that anything is better than to live subjugated to the whims of another human being. We must have a reason to get out. Isn't the well-being of our children reason enough? You bet it is!
For the love and health of my Benjamine, I took that step and traveled through the very gates of hell. It is totally doable. It took two and a half years of full time work and $25,000 (mostly on credit cards) to fight the beast, but what did I gain? For starters, I became self sufficient and paid off my credit cards. I found strength in the fact that I had no reason to dislike myself. My son grew up abuse-free. He is an incredible human being and has graduated from a prestigious university. I found a man who is my soulmate, to whom I have been married 23 wonderful and productive years. I help others gain their freedom. I am no longer afraid of anything or anyone. I will never be abused again! Many have tried it, many have failed!
If you’re afraid of your partner, just remember that real Love is not based on fear.